Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Randomize
