went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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