he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
