Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
