I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
