Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
