is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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