Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
