We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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