she woke up with a sticky ear
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
