Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
