i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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