You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sarcasm needs its own font
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
