Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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