I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
