Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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