Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
