I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
