Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
All the doctor said was why
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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