I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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