Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
