She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
