the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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