The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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