I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
