I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
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Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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