I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
