i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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