I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
