So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the day after is always just damage control
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
