i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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