I'm really into asian looking animals
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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