and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
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