I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
