glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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