but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
