Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
