I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
