Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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