everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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