I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
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Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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