Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
