Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
