you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
