It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
