I accidentally had phone sex last night
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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