drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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