hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
