goodnight i made you a song goodbye
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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