I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
