It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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