Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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