my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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