ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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