Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
we should paint friendship bongs
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